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I wasted a college education

Sep. 8th, 2012 | 06:23 pm

I want to scream at every person who has ever told me to do what I loved.

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I am not a gracious person

Jun. 2nd, 2011 | 10:10 pm

I wish I was, I really, truly do.  But every time I find out that someone is doing better than me, I get jealous.  3 years younger than me and you have embarked upon a career?  Fuck you.  I actually wish for people I care about to do as poorly as I do, because if they're doing poorly then it means it's not my fault I'm a loser.  If no one is doing well, then it's a systemic problem.  If I'm the only jackass who can't find a job in her field then it must be a fault of mine.  I'm damn smart and  I'm a hard worker, though I am prone to learned helplessness.  I actually wish for people to do poorly because I cannot/don't want to identify the fault that is keeping me a disgusting loser. 

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What to do, what to do.

May. 8th, 2011 | 06:29 pm

I need to decide whether to continue my lease.  Rent will be going up by $25/month for those who won't sign yearlong leases.  The flexible leasing schedule is a main draw of my current housing situation.  It's not the only one, but it is pretty major.  That would put my rent at $385 including bills and and a small amount of food (I'm kept in pasta, rice, beans, quinoa, and all the spices I want).  If I were to find a roommate elsewhere, I could anticipate similar or slightly cheaper accomodations with only 1-2 roommates instead of my current 9.  But, I would have to sign a yearlong lease.  I would lose garden space, but probably gain a dishwasher (and with it, sanitized dishes).  I need to decide, ASAP.

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(no subject)

May. 3rd, 2011 | 12:09 am

Why am I such a terrible person?  If I hadn't gotten on the internet, I wouldn't be mortified right now, wouldn't be hitting myself for spending hours on the computer, wouldn't be sad that I don't have time to knit and watch an episode of star-trek, wouldn't be dreading tomorrow's sleep deprivation, wouldn't want to erase myself.

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University towns are annoying

May. 1st, 2011 | 06:44 pm

Queer? Feminist?  Not a part of the university?  Well tough luck.  You will not have an opportunity to be a part of the community.  If you do manage to break your way in to a group, you will undoubtedly be faced with a bunch of 19 year olds with little to no grasp of theory or history.  There is no such thing as a group of young professional feminists meeting at a coffee shop, or adult queers having a forum.  I feel completely shut away from "my people" the further away I get from graduation.  I went to a feminist book club meeting (on campus, which I found out about from a student), and even though not everybody there was a student, I was just incredibly turned off by the amount of 101 that had to happen.  I miss undergrad, where I could go to my OW and Q&A meetings and actually feel like part of the group. 

If there are groups out there, I don't know how to crack them. 

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(no subject)

Mar. 31st, 2011 | 03:27 pm

I feel like I'm drowning and no one will throw me a life preserver.  All they do is yell "swim, swim" and when I can't they get frustrated and walk off the beach, because I obviously want to drown. 

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(no subject)

Mar. 27th, 2011 | 02:06 pm

I called my mom today in tears because of the rejection letter.  I should stop calling her.  It just upsets her.  She cried today, and confirmed something I've long suspected.  As she put it, she always thought, "Well, at least we won't have to worry about Beth.  She's so bright and smart and funny, she'll be able to find a job."  In other words, I have to be doubly successful to make up for Eric.  Now, she said that the reason she was disappointed was because she "managed to raise two dysfunctional children," because I am sad all the time.  So really, I'm a double disappointment.  I can't find a professional job even after earning a Master's degree (oh why didn't I listen to professors who told me not to do it?), and I'm horribly depressed about it.  So I'm a double failure. 

I just wish I could go back in time and undo all my mistakes.  Should have stayed in architecture, should have gotten treatment sooner, should have stayed on the drugs I hate. It's too late now.  

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Rejection Letter

Mar. 27th, 2011 | 12:50 pm

I just got a rejection letter from the Historical Society.  It was my first interview for a museum in a year.  Both of those interviews were at a place where I had worked before.  This particular interview was with my old boss, who was very happy with my work and told me to talk to him when I graduated. They called my references, two of which were people he personally knew and liked.  If I can't get a job there, where can I get a job?  What is the point?  

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Invisible Me

Mar. 13th, 2011 | 04:29 pm

God, this weekend has sucked.

Ever since Cay and I stopped being real friends in December, I've noticed how invisible I am to everyone in this house. Usually I've had one person here who I could really consider a friend. Now it's just aquaintances I live with. People walk right by me and don't even notice me. If I try to join a conversation, they act surprised and say "Oh, Beth, have you been down here this whole time?" Yes. Yes I have. I'm just not important enough for you to notice. People invite other people to do things right in front of me, leaving me out. That's been on my mind a lot.

Yesterday, my roommates were talking about their adventures going out dancing the night before. That's fine. I've been sick and I don't like paying exorbitant prices to drink and then become the butt of people's jokes anyway. But then they started talking about some girl Cay has her eye on. And earlier I heard snippets of a conversation implying that she has a date tonight. I lost it. I gathered up my stuff and huffed out, saying that I really fucking hate being lied to. If you'll recall, 3 months ago Cay told me that she was too fucked up to date anyone (not that I asked for a relationship mind you, but I was wondering why she had shunned me after a week of being all over me and an apparent months-long crush). I asked what the real reason was, since everyone knows the "I'm too fucked up to date right now" line is bullshit. She assured me it was the truth. Well, apparently she thinks I'm the biggest fucking idiot in the world. I don't even want to date her immature ass anymore. I just want to know what the real reason is. I don't understand how you go from a months-long crush to being repulsed by someone in the span of a week. I'd blame it on my lack of makeup and heels (she loves things that are coded female, though she just uncritically thinks they are somehow a celebration of womanhood), but I've never worn makeup and heels. I want someone to watch nerdy TV and talk about feminism with again, but I don't think that's going to happen as long as I keep getting enraged by being lied to. (And I was enraged: I cleaned my room and then had to take a 3 hour nap from the drain following the adrenaline rush.)

I'm tired of being told I'm so awesome and then being rejected. I'm not your type, that's fine. Wevs. I'm plenty of people's type. But Quinton fucking married me and then shoved me aside, even though I was "perfect." David and I can't date anymore because I can't take yet another random rejection from him.

Oh and speaking of talking about feminism- I sure as hell can't talk about it with my roommate Ana. Best quote of the weekend from her, "But really, today, what privileges do men have over women?" Oh, Ana is Cay's new house best friend, by the way.

I'm afraid my anger is a result of not being on anti-depressants, but I'm NOT going back on them. All they do is change the way my depression manifests, they don't make me less depressed. If anything, I get more suicidal when on them. Plus I think they make me fat. And yes, I've been on several. I don't really feel "depressed" right now. I just know that I can get really angry when I'm not on anti-depressants.

About the only good thing is that I have an interview at a museum next Friday. I just hope I'm together enough to not blow it.

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Gross gross gross

Mar. 6th, 2011 | 11:05 pm

That is how I feel right now. Also, I am very annoyed with myself. Some background: There is a 60-70 year old man "G" who is a "friend of the house". Basically he's an old hippie who is a really gifted massage therapist. He's also had a lot of head injuries which make him "off"- but in a loving sort of way. He's constantly giving massages to people. He usually waltzes in unannounced when in town. He is also suicidal. A lot of people in the house really love him. The girls get weird vibes and we all agree that while he's done nothing, we would not be comfortable being alone with him. The last several times he's come to visit, I've been more and more uncomfortable, but I couldn't tell you why.

G came by last night during the middle of a birthday party/game night and spent the night. This morning he was giving me a massage at the breakfast table. He was rattling on about a lot of his woo-woo beliefs and gender essentialist female worship when he told me:
A. He found me sexually attractive
B. He thought my breasts were beautiful
C. He liked touching my butt during a massage
D. He had sexual urges and masturbated
E. He would like to have sex with me, but wouldn't because he valued me too much.

Y'all, I did NOT know what to do with this. I should have given him all hell. In the last 3-4 years, giving people hell for saying inappropriate shit has not been a problem for me. Instead, I just sat there and listened, gave a half-laugh, squirmed away, and argued with him about his women-as-goddesses bullshit before I could get away to go take a shower.

I am really, really upset with myself for not calling him out on this, and I'm trying to figure out why I didn't. Was I afraid of being "impolite" to a guest in our house, someone many of my housemates like? Was I afraid of triggering a suicide attempt by shaming him? Am I just good at calling out people for problematic sexist/racist/hetero-normative statements and not sexual-harassment-type statements?

Your input is appreciated.

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